Monday, 9 May 2016

"What is your name?" "I don't know."

Even since my young age I've been extremely introverted. I remember times I used to react by lifting my shoulders all the time like "can't you see it's totally obvious" while seeking help of my parents to answer for me. All the simple questions such as how old I was or what my name was... I didn't want to answer. I was really shy and well... introverted. Those were my kindergarten years. I refused to talk to anyone, occasionally I'd answer with one word for the satisfaction of my surroundings. I was totally fine with that. I was afraid of basically everything. Human interaction, dogs. Yeah those two mainly.

As years passed by it slightly started getting better. It was still incredibly bad though. In primary school I started answering all the question of course. I wouldn't start talking on my own out of the blue but at least I wouldn't stay silent. The main problem that time was the fact I couldn't stand up for myself and defend myself or express my own opinion. I was the grey mouse noone really knew was present in the room. It was totally fine by me. At least that's what I thought. I had one friend. Yes, one. A friend of mine I used to go to kindergarten with moved out and I found another one. Little did I know that it wasn't really much of a friend. Still it was the only person I talked to each and every day. We sat together at a desk in a classroom. Both of us were quite "shy" and not talkative. But ofc, times change. She, my friend, found a new friend. They got along pretty well. She was the cool kid in my class, the exact opposite of myself. Talkative, pretty, tall, blonde and everyone loved her. As well as my friend. At first I thought it's gonna be okay. I used to hang out with both of them during pause, I used to go out to play with them, I attended all of their birthday parties... But I wasn't really part of their "group" You know, three girls can't possibly be friends. There's always someone left out. And the someone's always been me. I started realizing something was wrong at some point but I chose to ignore it. Probably because I refused to see the truth.

To noone's surprise they started bullying me. They probably didn't realize they were as well as I didn't. She, the popular one, would try to count me out of every activity they were doing. They were small things such as taking my seat next to my friend and arguing with me she has the right to sit there because "she'd been here first". They didn't want me to sit with them during lunch time either and I ended up sitting on my own and because of the fuss they made all children could hear it. And I could hear them giggling at my misfortune. Ofc they made up some kind of excuse not to be with me such as "it's a top secret matter" etc... Finally I'd start to give up and mind my own bussines, eating my snack at the desk alone making no noice pretending I'm not there. I remember their accomplice, another popular girl in my class I didn't like, making all the remaining people applaud at how I "finally stopped kissing their asses and bothering them by talking to them" the worst thing about that was that I accepted that insult and act of bullying just because I still hoped I could have friends... No I couldn't. They wouldn't stop trying to get rid of me...yet they had the courage to tell me they wanted to be friends.

At birthday parties I noticed they'd always exchange bigger presents. I know it sounds pathetic when I think about it. I wasn't jealous. I was just really disappointed every time I tried to do a good party for my... friends. I probably shouldn't have minded that but little me cared and noticed such small things. However, never said anything. Eventually, the blonde went to another school and things got... better? My "friend" started to be friends with me and some other people, but we still sat in one desk and talked together the most... I was too stupid to tell her off for the deception of me... People thought we were best friends but she couldn't ever be for me anymore.  I still don't know if she knew what she'd done or not... I will never know but I don't care anymore. We aren't seeing each other. The end of primary school ended all my relationships with those people I hated seeing every day.

By the end of primary school I met quite a lot of people online. In fact I was meeting people as I started  a blog in my mother tongue at the age of like... 13, 14? The time I started being a "proper otaku" and started going to anime conventions. Also I made a twitter account almost 6 years ago which was the time I only cared about anime... Those things really don't tend to help you with your social interaction problems but at least I´d feel like I belong somewhere and I knew there are people who are similar to me, have the same hobbies and so on. I always enjoyed talking to this kind of people, naturally.

I'm currently attending a highschool. I can't say things have changed because they never will. Not completely.  You can't just change your personality throughout the night. One thing I can say for sure is that I  have changed a bit. As expected, huh. I'm no longer completely afraid of telling my opinions. I'm also not the crybaby who is not talking to strange people I used to be. I can stand up for myself and I'm not trying to get attention of people I don't like. Instead I completely ignore them because they are not worth my energy or brain cells. Sure, there are people I know who are talking behind my back. They make fun of me because I watch anime. But that's alright. I know those people are just bored of their life, probably a sad one too, they are nothing but casuals gossiping everyone including themselves among their group of special people. And gurl I'm better than them :) I just smile and say to myself "fk you have a nice day" I no longer tremble while talking to strange people though I still have issues shopping and ordering things as I need to tell myself all I want to say and practise what I actually want to say. I still can't bring up a topic to talk about in a situation of awkward silence but I'm getting better. I am trying hard not to be a nuisance for people and be an easy-going person.

I still talk just very occasionally as there's little people and things worth my commentary. I like to listen instead. I'm pretty good at observing things around me therefore I know things they don't. I'm cleverer than people as my bullies were. I can read the atmosphere and choose not to say anything. I am a good listener and I am here for people in need. I am here for my friends and as long as they need me that's fine by me. I chose them as my friends and they chose me as their friend too. As long as they are willing to stay I'm happy. I don't care about people that don't care about me.

I'm still relatively young. (for some people I might be a kid) Every day is a lesson and everytime I get beaten down I get up and contine as a better me. I walk the path to my final form, where at the end will greet me a fully grown fearless me. That's what I wish to achieve. I've came a long way to be who I am now and I believe it will be better and better only.

The all time anthem of mine